Abulia

We all have our demons to fight and we have to fight them daily. We often try to make sense of these but in the struggle to make sense and fight them, most people will spend their entire lives figuring out the root of the problem.

The key to it all I believe lies in determining your identity. The word may seem like a small one, a word we may use often, but the significance is a burden on our soul. Our identity is the core of our existence. Everyone is not destined for greatness, some of us are, but we just fall short in our efforts. In such an instance it’s our identity that will decide how we are remembered.  If our identity is guided by our situation or even by our ego, the chances are we will falter. It takes a lot to get me writing. But I guess being overly emotional at the beginning of the year is a common thing.

Everybody thinks they’re smart, but never forget there is always someone smarter. Just because someone doesn’t react, doesn’t mean they don’t know they probably just don’t care. Count your blessings, respect the hands that feed you and be thankful for having a roof over your head.  

Monad

Whether we like it or not, life will hit you. For some, it will be sooner than later.  One of the biggest mistakes I think mankind faces in general, the inability to move on. Hell everyone makes mistakes, but to be stuck in that revolving door is just painful. In the grand scheme of things, it all boils down to acceptance. We crave the acceptance of other, whether it is in the form or love or even in the form of forgiveness.

One of the things that I have tried to change in myself is eradicating the need for acceptance from incompetent people. It is important to understand your own worth, trust me, no piece of paper, a degree or test can determine that for you. If you see things the same way they were say 10 years back, you have wasted a decade, time which you will never get back. I guess not everyone has a forum to go upon and voice their views, the incompetent flourish while the talented surfer. But that’s life, isn’t it. I’ve sulked for many years under the burden of this thought. But I survive because my conscious is clear, you live and you learn. I’m better for it. If I’ve learned anything is that life goes on, things do eventually get better. Somewhere, sometime things will balance out. 

Binary Thinking

“Einstein said that if quantum mechanics were correct then the world would be crazy. Einstein was right - the world is crazy.” 
― Daniel M. Greenberger

In a world of possibilities, we restrict ourselves to  and/or. It doesn't always have to be like that.  Seasons change, people come and go, and the only thing constant is you. Change is never always for the best, but sometimes when you realize it; it's too late to go back. You can be both dead and alive until you realize it (Schrödinger's cat). 

I envy people; not for the fame or fortune but for the clarity they have on the direction they have in life. It is easy to set low targets, achieve them and go with the flow, but as time passes ruthlessly, in reality, each day and every moment seems to drag on till eternity in my head. This state of ambiguity tears me from the inside daily. The world of possibility is out there, but we are stuck in the confinement of our mind. We at times fail to realize that much of our life is in our own hands, there is a world inside that needs to be explored.  

As life progresses the urge for certainty grows stronger. But as the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states that it is impossible to know simultaneously the exact position and momentum of a particle which kind of sounds exactly like my life. Not really sure if quantum mechanics was the topic I wanted to discuss, but it's a start of a journey to examine life as we know it. 

Dissociative fugue

We are brought up to believe that there is a safety net; we are conditioned to believe that there is hope, and it’s imperative to be positive. Most people live life on the doctrine passed down to them, without much investigation. Some go through life justifying this to make everything seem as if I was meant to be. Some argue that science has taken away the supernatural bases of our morality. But will never realize that morality should come from within and not be dictated to you.

It’s important to understand that its wisdom that will save us. People can know what the problem is and who the problem is but choose to live in that toxicity simply because the exclusion will result in some physical turmoil. Life changes, whether you want to believe that or not, it’s our approach that should not change. Staying in a toxic environment will lead to the same thoughts and thus lead to actions.

The clarity I look for is not a mystery; there aren’t any depths that I need to travel. There is no one out there planning out my every move, there is no safety net and no not everything happens for the good. Life and its complexity need to be enjoyed and understood.

Devachan

Some days are better than others, yesterday was pathetic. It’s easy when the trigger is someone else, you can play the blame game, but when the problem is internal it’s hard to ignore, for someone who meticulously plans out his day, week and till the end of times, such a situation just magnifies the OCD compulsions, which sends you reeling down a circular path of destruction.  I don’t really write self help blogs, and this one isn’t the run-of-the-mill self help blog, but I use the following points to judge how far I’ve progressed on the path of destruction.  

(This blog is inspired by an article by Rachel Gillet http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/247295)

1. Time Management :  I think I have this down apart from the crippling feeling of  not being able to do things.
2. Empathy: I can pretend, but im not sure if I will ever be able to do it genuinely.
3. Mastering your sleep: 8 hours enough said
4. Positive Self Talk: I hate it but I try
5. Consistency: where there is OCD, there is consistency
6. Asking for help: I will eventually ask after all is lost
7. Knowing when to shut up and actually doing it: this is something I need to learn
8. Listening : what did you say ?
9. Minding your own business: helps to filter the most important things in life. I bet everyone has their own set of problems, if you don’t, get in touch with me
10. Mastering your thoughts: one step at a time. 

Life is never as simple as listing ideas as pointers,  and I quote Limp Bizkit here “ life’s a lesson, you learn it when your through.”

Anvil Crawler

There is a storm brewing inside my head, and there is no place where I can hide. The serenity I found in my solitude, the comfort I found in my thoughts is no more there.  The inability to hold a thought and reach a destination, the plethora of emotions all experienced in a single moment. Seconds feel like hours and minutes like destiny, the voices are getting louder, and fiercer. The anguish is changing to fear, all my love is now brimming with animosity.  

Finding solutions use to be my thing, planning use to be my forte, everything has changed with the blink of an eye, the value you once had for yourself is no longer there. It feels like the “Watch” has stopped but feels like time is still running out.   

The answers are buried deep within the darkness of my thoughts…

Divine Comedy

Oh come on, you know me better than that. That title is just really catchy, so I had to use something that will catch your attention. It’s just my way of making you want to click the link…

In the midst of massive instability I was told that a content life was a life that has peace in it. I obviously like most times disagree with that notion; I think peace is subjective to a person’s needs, perception and ambitions. I’ve reviewed the literature on positive psychology, some metaphysics and a lot of self help but the fact remains when your dealt a sorry hand you need to find a way to deal with it.

Every day I learn something new, something new about the world, something new about people and something new about myself. Obviously I was just trying to sound philosophical, learning stuff doesn’t change your destiny. Doing stuff changes life. Yes I maybe negative, highly unstable, but I’m trying 

The Veiled Sphinx

It feels like one of those days when things are just not going your way, the problem is that I have had those days every day for the past year or so. It feels like everyone is out to get you, but obviously that isn’t true since you aren’t that special. I always thought I was right, but 30 years into existence you realize everything was a lie. This might even be a midlife crisis, but the line is thin, and time is short.

Many people struggle with finding their purpose in life; it’s more common than you think. The chances are you are probably living someone else’s life or fulfilling someone’s wishes other than your own. When people lose hope, they put their trust in things which are nothing but self fulfilling prophecies like the Greek drama Oedipus Rex thus the theory Oedipal Complex.

If you are dealing with some sort of mental illness, be assured you will have to do it alone. I might seem idle, but in reality I’m really busy in my head. People would generally advise you to cheer up or stay positive. But in reality the positivism is just to mask those actions that have done others wrong. Just because you have justified it in your head doesn’t mean its right. The worth you have assigned to others is usually the incompetence you are trying to hide yourself. But hey, whatever works right.

Giving charity from robbing the right of others hardly seems fair, morality doesn’t come from religion but from within. The simple lessons I’ve learnt in life is, money isn’t everything (but usually the cause of stress and anxiety) and it's okay to have some fun once in a while. 

The Splintered Mind

It was not really alarming at first, but the changes were subtle, but I did notice a darker tone that my surroundings embraced.  The shadows felt more somber, my mornings were bland, my thoughts less zestful and there were moments when a kind of panic and anxiety took over my existence. One can never point out the cause of depression maybe it’s a chain of events or just a chemical imbalance in your body. Most people especially men will put on a strong face but not visit a doctor. The more you try to be positive you know there is something dark inside, just waiting to come out.

I feel angry and I feel guilty, I feel nauseous. I feel love. I feel regret.

I haven’t written for 5 months now, this is a feeble attempt at getting back. These flurries of emotion that I’m feeling cripple me to a point where life makes no sense. This might be a midlife crisis, I just don’t know. I feel my problems are at the verge of just beginning. Sadly I don’t know what the future has in store for me. Sometimes the only option seems to end it all sometimes it’s the little things in life that keeps you going.. 

The Psychology of Stupid

Relationships are volatile if they aren’t you will probably get bored. I’ve seen couples that fight a great deal, but are still together and makes you think why this stupidity. But the rush of the drama sometimes is overwhelming. Nevertheless when the end does come, people find it hard to accept.  Why am I still so upset? They wonder, almost punishing themselves. Why does the sound of their name still make my pulse quicken? Why would we still take them back in a second? They feel pitiful and hopeless.

A popular research at Berkley shows that your brain in love is the same as your brain wired for a reward. Therefore after the breakup there is no reward in this case I believe is the interaction with an ex. And when you don’t get this drug we call “love” you tend to experience some painful withdrawal. The extent will, however depend on certain factors suggested by Elly Prior, The length of the relationship, how recently you split up, how “intense” or even “obsessive” the relationship was, how important it was to you and how it ended.

The age of technology doesn’t make it easier, you’re always connected on whatsapp, and you read a status directed at you or maybe someone likes a picture of a trip you almost forgot about. I’d suggest Zuckerberg to create an algorithm to cater to breakups. Be prepared for the unusual attacks, you will never know when they will come, maybe a character in a book shares the name as their sibling, you wearing the shirt they gave you and you realize that half way through lunch.  Boom: Sadness Arrives or psychosis in my case.

The first step however, is not to be stupid, one of the harsh realities of life is that you may have to become selfish to care about your family and loved ones, end of the day nothing wrong with that. Also the sooner you accept money isn’t everything, life tends to balance out (even if it’s some land on your name). Confining yourself indoors only makes things worse, time to have some fun. One thing that has helped me personally is meditation and doesn’t have to be the conventional monk style but find a method that’s works, collect your thoughts and understand what is important. Love however, is just a chemical imbalance that makes you do stupid things. There is a pill for everything