Binary Thinking

“Einstein said that if quantum mechanics were correct then the world would be crazy. Einstein was right - the world is crazy.” 
― Daniel M. Greenberger

In a world of possibilities, we restrict ourselves to  and/or. It doesn't always have to be like that.  Seasons change, people come and go, and the only thing constant is you. Change is never always for the best, but sometimes when you realize it; it's too late to go back. You can be both dead and alive until you realize it (Schrödinger's cat). 

I envy people; not for the fame or fortune but for the clarity they have on the direction they have in life. It is easy to set low targets, achieve them and go with the flow, but as time passes ruthlessly, in reality, each day and every moment seems to drag on till eternity in my head. This state of ambiguity tears me from the inside daily. The world of possibility is out there, but we are stuck in the confinement of our mind. We at times fail to realize that much of our life is in our own hands, there is a world inside that needs to be explored.  

As life progresses the urge for certainty grows stronger. But as the Heisenberg uncertainty principle states that it is impossible to know simultaneously the exact position and momentum of a particle which kind of sounds exactly like my life. Not really sure if quantum mechanics was the topic I wanted to discuss, but it's a start of a journey to examine life as we know it. 

Anvil Crawler

There is a storm brewing inside my head, and there is no place where I can hide. The serenity I found in my solitude, the comfort I found in my thoughts is no more there.  The inability to hold a thought and reach a destination, the plethora of emotions all experienced in a single moment. Seconds feel like hours and minutes like destiny, the voices are getting louder, and fiercer. The anguish is changing to fear, all my love is now brimming with animosity.  

Finding solutions use to be my thing, planning use to be my forte, everything has changed with the blink of an eye, the value you once had for yourself is no longer there. It feels like the “Watch” has stopped but feels like time is still running out.   

The answers are buried deep within the darkness of my thoughts…

The Veiled Sphinx

It feels like one of those days when things are just not going your way, the problem is that I have had those days every day for the past year or so. It feels like everyone is out to get you, but obviously that isn’t true since you aren’t that special. I always thought I was right, but 30 years into existence you realize everything was a lie. This might even be a midlife crisis, but the line is thin, and time is short.

Many people struggle with finding their purpose in life; it’s more common than you think. The chances are you are probably living someone else’s life or fulfilling someone’s wishes other than your own. When people lose hope, they put their trust in things which are nothing but self fulfilling prophecies like the Greek drama Oedipus Rex thus the theory Oedipal Complex.

If you are dealing with some sort of mental illness, be assured you will have to do it alone. I might seem idle, but in reality I’m really busy in my head. People would generally advise you to cheer up or stay positive. But in reality the positivism is just to mask those actions that have done others wrong. Just because you have justified it in your head doesn’t mean its right. The worth you have assigned to others is usually the incompetence you are trying to hide yourself. But hey, whatever works right.

Giving charity from robbing the right of others hardly seems fair, morality doesn’t come from religion but from within. The simple lessons I’ve learnt in life is, money isn’t everything (but usually the cause of stress and anxiety) and it's okay to have some fun once in a while. 

The Splintered Mind

It was not really alarming at first, but the changes were subtle, but I did notice a darker tone that my surroundings embraced.  The shadows felt more somber, my mornings were bland, my thoughts less zestful and there were moments when a kind of panic and anxiety took over my existence. One can never point out the cause of depression maybe it’s a chain of events or just a chemical imbalance in your body. Most people especially men will put on a strong face but not visit a doctor. The more you try to be positive you know there is something dark inside, just waiting to come out.

I feel angry and I feel guilty, I feel nauseous. I feel love. I feel regret.

I haven’t written for 5 months now, this is a feeble attempt at getting back. These flurries of emotion that I’m feeling cripple me to a point where life makes no sense. This might be a midlife crisis, I just don’t know. I feel my problems are at the verge of just beginning. Sadly I don’t know what the future has in store for me. Sometimes the only option seems to end it all sometimes it’s the little things in life that keeps you going.. 

The Psychology of Stupid

Relationships are volatile if they aren’t you will probably get bored. I’ve seen couples that fight a great deal, but are still together and makes you think why this stupidity. But the rush of the drama sometimes is overwhelming. Nevertheless when the end does come, people find it hard to accept.  Why am I still so upset? They wonder, almost punishing themselves. Why does the sound of their name still make my pulse quicken? Why would we still take them back in a second? They feel pitiful and hopeless.

A popular research at Berkley shows that your brain in love is the same as your brain wired for a reward. Therefore after the breakup there is no reward in this case I believe is the interaction with an ex. And when you don’t get this drug we call “love” you tend to experience some painful withdrawal. The extent will, however depend on certain factors suggested by Elly Prior, The length of the relationship, how recently you split up, how “intense” or even “obsessive” the relationship was, how important it was to you and how it ended.

The age of technology doesn’t make it easier, you’re always connected on whatsapp, and you read a status directed at you or maybe someone likes a picture of a trip you almost forgot about. I’d suggest Zuckerberg to create an algorithm to cater to breakups. Be prepared for the unusual attacks, you will never know when they will come, maybe a character in a book shares the name as their sibling, you wearing the shirt they gave you and you realize that half way through lunch.  Boom: Sadness Arrives or psychosis in my case.

The first step however, is not to be stupid, one of the harsh realities of life is that you may have to become selfish to care about your family and loved ones, end of the day nothing wrong with that. Also the sooner you accept money isn’t everything, life tends to balance out (even if it’s some land on your name). Confining yourself indoors only makes things worse, time to have some fun. One thing that has helped me personally is meditation and doesn’t have to be the conventional monk style but find a method that’s works, collect your thoughts and understand what is important. Love however, is just a chemical imbalance that makes you do stupid things. There is a pill for everything

Ipotane

Some days are easier than others while on others you feel like you have been placed in the epicenter if a tornado.  When you take the decision to set sail on a journey you often hope for a calm sea, and rarely prepare for a storm.  One of the cruel facts of life is that people will use you and leave you hanging once your worth and diminished. But it’s a part of life I guess, one thing that has never worried me is someone’s progress, and I’m happy that people are eventually moving on.  What bothers me is that people believe for religion and life that intentions will be their redemption.

Words and nothing if not backed up by action. Words distract you but you never forget experiences. And life is nothing but a compilation of experiences that make you what you are. In my case a very bitter person.

I have never bothered about what has happened on the outside, my shortcomings, and my fears. I hate you for destroying my insides. My existence and my livelihood, but you’re not the first and I doubt you will be the last to attack my wall of integrity. I will build up myself from the ruins with foundations that cannot be shaken. Like the phoenix, I will rise from the ashes of my weaker self.

Intukuthelo

I think one of the keys to success is learning the art to disengage when things aren’t going your way. Sometimes just keeping up with things gets a little tough, the flow of life isn’t what you expect it to be and nor will people adjust to your requirements. I think taking a break, slowing down things helps put things in perspective. As humans we usually fail to prioritize or what we think is a priority usually isn’t. In which case being flexible plays a key role in getting things done. Disengaging doesn’t always mean you’re sad or angry, but maybe you just need some time to recharge


We live in a country where questioning norms could mean losing your life. Where you live in constant fear, and where fear is a commonly felt emotion. There will be times when you feel cornered, personally and professionally, sometime you will fight sometimes you will run away, it’s important to choose your battles. There are times where even something as small as lack of sleep and steer outcomes in a different direction but then again in such situations you find the true nature of a person.

In the words of Rumi:

When you see the face of anger
look behind it
and you will see the face of pride.
Bring anger and pride
under your feet, turn them into a ladder
and climb higher.
There is no peace until you become
their master.
Let go of anger, it may taste sweet
but it kills.
Don't become its victim.
You need humility to climb to freedom.

Anger Re-Visited

Anger as soon as fed is dead-
'Tis starving makes it fat.
Emily Dickinson

Everything in life has its roots embedded in something else. You cannot have faith, success and love without hope. How do you manage emotions when there is turbulence in your life? Anger usually takes the front seat. As I understand it, hatred is something like anger, only whereas anger can be brief, hatred is much more durable.

Anger might lead you, while you are in its grip, to want to do something hurtful or harmful to another, or in some other way act in a way that is contrary to or which undermines or frustrates the other's interest, where the other is the object of your anger. People who are angry or who hate may often avoid those at whom they are angry or whom they hate, because they do not wish to experience so vividly these negative impulses, or possibly, because they fear acting on them.

Rumi says when you were born with wings why do you decide to crawl through life? And it’s a fact; it all boils down to our choice. I guess hatred ruins a person when that hatred leads to your destruction. Now what am I suppose to do when large black individuals come at my door step to pick a fight. I am expected to stay calm? Beautiful damsels engage me to tell me my ex is getting engaged isn’t life good? Coming back to the topic in hand, my life takes new turns everyday my temper may be my Achilles heel but I stand by my ambiguous morals. I’ve lost my chain of thought so I’ll end on this note People tend to think I'm always aggressive and strong. The truth is, I've always been wracked with self-loathing, which leads me into terrible, self paralyzing depressions. When I go down to this place, I feel so empty and overwhelmed I can barely move. Many of my instructors will agree with me when I say Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.