Devachan

Some days are better than others, yesterday was pathetic. It’s easy when the trigger is someone else, you can play the blame game, but when the problem is internal it’s hard to ignore, for someone who meticulously plans out his day, week and till the end of times, such a situation just magnifies the OCD compulsions, which sends you reeling down a circular path of destruction.  I don’t really write self help blogs, and this one isn’t the run-of-the-mill self help blog, but I use the following points to judge how far I’ve progressed on the path of destruction.  

(This blog is inspired by an article by Rachel Gillet http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/247295)

1. Time Management :  I think I have this down apart from the crippling feeling of  not being able to do things.
2. Empathy: I can pretend, but im not sure if I will ever be able to do it genuinely.
3. Mastering your sleep: 8 hours enough said
4. Positive Self Talk: I hate it but I try
5. Consistency: where there is OCD, there is consistency
6. Asking for help: I will eventually ask after all is lost
7. Knowing when to shut up and actually doing it: this is something I need to learn
8. Listening : what did you say ?
9. Minding your own business: helps to filter the most important things in life. I bet everyone has their own set of problems, if you don’t, get in touch with me
10. Mastering your thoughts: one step at a time. 

Life is never as simple as listing ideas as pointers,  and I quote Limp Bizkit here “ life’s a lesson, you learn it when your through.”

Anvil Crawler

There is a storm brewing inside my head, and there is no place where I can hide. The serenity I found in my solitude, the comfort I found in my thoughts is no more there.  The inability to hold a thought and reach a destination, the plethora of emotions all experienced in a single moment. Seconds feel like hours and minutes like destiny, the voices are getting louder, and fiercer. The anguish is changing to fear, all my love is now brimming with animosity.  

Finding solutions use to be my thing, planning use to be my forte, everything has changed with the blink of an eye, the value you once had for yourself is no longer there. It feels like the “Watch” has stopped but feels like time is still running out.   

The answers are buried deep within the darkness of my thoughts…

The Splintered Mind

It was not really alarming at first, but the changes were subtle, but I did notice a darker tone that my surroundings embraced.  The shadows felt more somber, my mornings were bland, my thoughts less zestful and there were moments when a kind of panic and anxiety took over my existence. One can never point out the cause of depression maybe it’s a chain of events or just a chemical imbalance in your body. Most people especially men will put on a strong face but not visit a doctor. The more you try to be positive you know there is something dark inside, just waiting to come out.

I feel angry and I feel guilty, I feel nauseous. I feel love. I feel regret.

I haven’t written for 5 months now, this is a feeble attempt at getting back. These flurries of emotion that I’m feeling cripple me to a point where life makes no sense. This might be a midlife crisis, I just don’t know. I feel my problems are at the verge of just beginning. Sadly I don’t know what the future has in store for me. Sometimes the only option seems to end it all sometimes it’s the little things in life that keeps you going.. 

Intukuthelo

I think one of the keys to success is learning the art to disengage when things aren’t going your way. Sometimes just keeping up with things gets a little tough, the flow of life isn’t what you expect it to be and nor will people adjust to your requirements. I think taking a break, slowing down things helps put things in perspective. As humans we usually fail to prioritize or what we think is a priority usually isn’t. In which case being flexible plays a key role in getting things done. Disengaging doesn’t always mean you’re sad or angry, but maybe you just need some time to recharge


We live in a country where questioning norms could mean losing your life. Where you live in constant fear, and where fear is a commonly felt emotion. There will be times when you feel cornered, personally and professionally, sometime you will fight sometimes you will run away, it’s important to choose your battles. There are times where even something as small as lack of sleep and steer outcomes in a different direction but then again in such situations you find the true nature of a person.

In the words of Rumi:

When you see the face of anger
look behind it
and you will see the face of pride.
Bring anger and pride
under your feet, turn them into a ladder
and climb higher.
There is no peace until you become
their master.
Let go of anger, it may taste sweet
but it kills.
Don't become its victim.
You need humility to climb to freedom.

Needle No. 3

“Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.”
Oscar Wilde quotes

A taste of my own medicine today; it was bitter sweet. I always believe that people including myself like to play victim. People like to be in places where they hurt the most. They like to be insulted and told what to do. They find solace in taking advice from those confused. And most importantly they will stay confused till the rest of eternity.

I hate to make the excruciating pain an excuse for everything, but I found out today that there is something that hurts much more. Never really mattered if anyone got me or not, there were just few people that mattered, that’s lost too. The regret well is the waste of time and more important waste of emotions. It’s easy to get something of someone else’s identity (profile) but when the same is asked from you, you get crippled… I know whores whom done a lot to get a movie, or to get tight with the first man of a linguistics society. I’ve never seen someone desperate enough to be with them… until now that is.

My problem, I live on my own terms I will die on my own. I don’t let people govern my decision, I let my EGO decide... and from where I see it, it ain’t so bad. Morality for me is the inability to see someone destroying the person I love, dignity is asking for my right without being ashamed … only problem is that these are all one sided and reserved for certain people.

“Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion.”

Rusty Nails

Custom represents the experiences of men of earlier times as to what they supposed useful and harmful - but the sense for custom (morality) applies, not to these experiences as such, but to the age, the sanctity, the indiscussability of the custom. And so this feeling is a hindrance to the acquisition of new experiences and the correction of customs: that is to say, morality is a hindrance to the development of new and better customs: it makes stupid.

Doing wrong comes really naturally to some people. Morality is something that isn’t an issue anymore. Doing the right thing doesn’t matter anymore; we then worry why the human race is so damned. My issue is a morality problem, well that problem exists because I have a fixed set of values that I find difficult to keep up with, and honestly that isn’t the problem I tell you.
The first problem is that some people work on flexible moralities. They make and bend rules according to situations to suit them. In the name of morality they’re willing to give up freewill basic human rights you know... the decisions of whom to speak to etc... The hoops people jump through for love ... refreshing to see... I don’t miss the circus one bit.

The next problem, is individuality, I mean u judge people on qualities compared to someone purely insignificant. People who have absolutely no regard for another person’s religious values is couth, people who wilfully adore them are the real culprits who ignite this sense of supremacy in the hearts of this low lives.

Morality is not my problem it’s my strength. For all those who become slaves of their conditions are because of faulty morals. today you give up one person and you will have to continue to make this sacrifice till it eventually ends, do you take that extra drip of morphine just to ease the pain or are you addicted to it... will you ever know?? I may not be a man who makes all the right decisions, but I man up to the ones I make, I will admit that I am in love even if it’s not the right thing to do. You those who mock my religion, I let you do so for a greater good, my time will come.