Devachan

Some days are better than others, yesterday was pathetic. It’s easy when the trigger is someone else, you can play the blame game, but when the problem is internal it’s hard to ignore, for someone who meticulously plans out his day, week and till the end of times, such a situation just magnifies the OCD compulsions, which sends you reeling down a circular path of destruction.  I don’t really write self help blogs, and this one isn’t the run-of-the-mill self help blog, but I use the following points to judge how far I’ve progressed on the path of destruction.  

(This blog is inspired by an article by Rachel Gillet http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/247295)

1. Time Management :  I think I have this down apart from the crippling feeling of  not being able to do things.
2. Empathy: I can pretend, but im not sure if I will ever be able to do it genuinely.
3. Mastering your sleep: 8 hours enough said
4. Positive Self Talk: I hate it but I try
5. Consistency: where there is OCD, there is consistency
6. Asking for help: I will eventually ask after all is lost
7. Knowing when to shut up and actually doing it: this is something I need to learn
8. Listening : what did you say ?
9. Minding your own business: helps to filter the most important things in life. I bet everyone has their own set of problems, if you don’t, get in touch with me
10. Mastering your thoughts: one step at a time. 

Life is never as simple as listing ideas as pointers,  and I quote Limp Bizkit here “ life’s a lesson, you learn it when your through.”

Ipotane

Some days are easier than others while on others you feel like you have been placed in the epicenter if a tornado.  When you take the decision to set sail on a journey you often hope for a calm sea, and rarely prepare for a storm.  One of the cruel facts of life is that people will use you and leave you hanging once your worth and diminished. But it’s a part of life I guess, one thing that has never worried me is someone’s progress, and I’m happy that people are eventually moving on.  What bothers me is that people believe for religion and life that intentions will be their redemption.

Words and nothing if not backed up by action. Words distract you but you never forget experiences. And life is nothing but a compilation of experiences that make you what you are. In my case a very bitter person.

I have never bothered about what has happened on the outside, my shortcomings, and my fears. I hate you for destroying my insides. My existence and my livelihood, but you’re not the first and I doubt you will be the last to attack my wall of integrity. I will build up myself from the ruins with foundations that cannot be shaken. Like the phoenix, I will rise from the ashes of my weaker self.

Intukuthelo

I think one of the keys to success is learning the art to disengage when things aren’t going your way. Sometimes just keeping up with things gets a little tough, the flow of life isn’t what you expect it to be and nor will people adjust to your requirements. I think taking a break, slowing down things helps put things in perspective. As humans we usually fail to prioritize or what we think is a priority usually isn’t. In which case being flexible plays a key role in getting things done. Disengaging doesn’t always mean you’re sad or angry, but maybe you just need some time to recharge


We live in a country where questioning norms could mean losing your life. Where you live in constant fear, and where fear is a commonly felt emotion. There will be times when you feel cornered, personally and professionally, sometime you will fight sometimes you will run away, it’s important to choose your battles. There are times where even something as small as lack of sleep and steer outcomes in a different direction but then again in such situations you find the true nature of a person.

In the words of Rumi:

When you see the face of anger
look behind it
and you will see the face of pride.
Bring anger and pride
under your feet, turn them into a ladder
and climb higher.
There is no peace until you become
their master.
Let go of anger, it may taste sweet
but it kills.
Don't become its victim.
You need humility to climb to freedom.

Goldfish and Eagles

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. ~Murphy's Law

Preaching is not everyone’s cup of tea but then again I’m a coffee person. Most people with limited thinking believe that preaching is restricted to just words, but if words were the only form of preaching the spiritually and literally deaf would be at the hard end of the bargain.

We go through life not realizing the importance of time, our own and others. We all live in different time frames which are hard to decipher as a group, our lives we measure in days and years. And still these days and years are different for various people, for some the dawn of responsibility comes earlier than they like, and its honor learning from them, for others facebook plays an important role in life and who they go to cbm with…!!! And for the rest it’s a wedding or vacation missed.

On the brink of losing out something not so important, I wonder what the future holds for me. I wonder the path I choose will take me to my desired destination, although life has not been so kind to me. Structure in what we lack in life, all the rules and regulations, money and freedom, the power and authority has a downside to it as well. New chapters in life, new journey, it’s time to write a whole new story. If time was money then I would be fucking rich!

Life as we know it..

“The serpent, the king, the tiger, the stinging wasp, the small child, the dog owned by other people, and the fool: these seven ought not to be awakened from sleep.”

Life is nothing but a series of tests that well… we hope to pass. Problem is not all of us are great at giving tests. I have all to be thankful for, but human nature at times does prevail. Sitting in a room devoid of electricity for over 16 hours is a test in itself. Puking out your intestines with no one to pass u a wipe; When you have to clean up after yourself not having the energy, the blood rushing out of your brain when you sit up, the fear of God when you see the huge needles being inserted in the hips of a patient extracting bone marrow with no one by his side.

Everyone has problems, not everyone has the capability to solve them. Everyone has dreams and not everyone has the ability to achieve them. But life goes on, for some people alone. Certain decisions you make, will eventually hurt you. But its faith that can fuel miracles, you just need to want it bad enough. It may seem that God is unfair, but have hope that someone perfect will walk into your life one day. And Hope they will stay. I hope that the people with problems mentioned above get one thing I believe of utmost importance, mental peace. That when the person who is puking during chemo has someone to rub his back and hand a wipe, someone to hold him while the needles are inserted. I wish the pain ends soon.

20 More to go……

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
Oscar Wilde

Experiences in life are supposed to make life easier. But in reality they don’t, every REPEATED action becomes tougher; the tests get tougher to pass. I always did take pride in the fact that I’ve never felt the need to spread my hands in front of anyone or compromise on the one thing no one can take from you, only you can give away is your DIGNITY.

There comes a time in life when you feel that all that you strive to be is an utter lie, your self- respect is all you have, the ability to be beaten up, abused by the power of the almighty.His biggest blessing to you is the ability to look at yourself in the mirror and still be arrogant. The pace, at which the blood rushes in my veins, sends life into this blur of oblivion, where in retrospect things are much clearer.

Imagine living the same pain, agony, the nightmares and all the harsh realities for another 20 times… most people will never understand this, why? Cause what’s a little compromise on dignity, what if you shed the veil of decency to let go of all you stand for. I’ve done it before I’ll do it again, alone.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

Needle No. 3

“Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.”
Oscar Wilde quotes

A taste of my own medicine today; it was bitter sweet. I always believe that people including myself like to play victim. People like to be in places where they hurt the most. They like to be insulted and told what to do. They find solace in taking advice from those confused. And most importantly they will stay confused till the rest of eternity.

I hate to make the excruciating pain an excuse for everything, but I found out today that there is something that hurts much more. Never really mattered if anyone got me or not, there were just few people that mattered, that’s lost too. The regret well is the waste of time and more important waste of emotions. It’s easy to get something of someone else’s identity (profile) but when the same is asked from you, you get crippled… I know whores whom done a lot to get a movie, or to get tight with the first man of a linguistics society. I’ve never seen someone desperate enough to be with them… until now that is.

My problem, I live on my own terms I will die on my own. I don’t let people govern my decision, I let my EGO decide... and from where I see it, it ain’t so bad. Morality for me is the inability to see someone destroying the person I love, dignity is asking for my right without being ashamed … only problem is that these are all one sided and reserved for certain people.

“Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion.”

Blood and Chocolate

"Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig."
— Paul Dickson


If you don’t know where you’re going any road will take you there. That’s the attitude most of us will take in our lives. In this day and age it’s hard to differentiate between shit and the good stuff. Most of you will live your life on daddy’s money, get married with his money and get a job either with his contacts or the money he invested in your education. You will never be able to develop a spine that will cripple you and generations after you …this is called slave mentality.

I saw this man today, who was stupid really... he lay down in a bed, in a room with no electricity. His clothes drenched with sweat, his body lifeless surrounded with an aura of death and depression. Stupid man had an Rs.1200 wallet with just Rs.300 in it. An empty bottle of water and skittles. A person in such a position should be humble in prayer and not in the arrogance of a God. In that moment of despair his head was high, his eyes was that of a man drugged and tubes jutted out of him like Frankenstein part 2, yet his grip in the handshake was empowering. The fight continues, day 2 of deficiencies…

A dead atheist is someone who is all dressed up with no place to go.
James Duffecy

Pineapple Express

If you suffer, thank God! -- it is a sure sign that you are alive. --Elbert Hubbard

I fail to understand conceptually the way people think. Life is just a means of passing time. Some are motivated and have a purpose, others in oblivion follow religion, while others spend their time in judging others. Yes, I’m everything you say I am. Isn’t it possible to stop there?
The things I do, the things I say/said were for your own benefit. This world I tell you is a cruel one. And I always felt without any compulsion that it was my duty to protect. God complex with its own fine twist of morality and persuasion (free will and destiny).

The first station of the pineapple express is trust, we commit sins as if it’s a part of our DNA, some will be forgiven some wont. Things are pretty much over and forgotten but the people that sicken me are those that live to keep the world happy. While a loved one suffers in a distance.

The second station is the epitome of all stops. A stop that really does stop everything, I love the fact that I’m an extremist. A sin is a sin irrespective of its magnitude. I believe your motive if clean then there is a mind much bigger than yours that will understand what you’re all about.

Infections are bastards; they’re parasites which barge in like uninvited guests especially at dinner time. They fuck with you a little and leave you very much distorted. The past never leaves you, its dirty blood being recycled only to get dirtier.

The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt. --Thomas Merton

Dolore

"Do you love God?" She answered "Yes." "Do you hate the devil?" She answered, "No, my love of God leaves me no time to hate the devil."

People often go through life with a lot of questions in their mind, and never find the answer that would satisfy. We ponder over things like freewill and destiny, how much freewill does that man have with just enough money to feed his family the one meal for the day. What destiny is he fulfilling when he lays his head down to rest thinking of where the next day’s food will come from? Often we turn towards God for an answer, funny how many find it easily others struggle to even get a glimpse. I often questioned why the need for so much pain. Men of God gave me their reasons; Atheists gave me their own perspective. I still fail to understand. Opposites need to exist for appreciation to blossom. But as Nietzsche says “...no pain has been or shall be able to tempt me into giving false testimony about life as I recognize it.” I shall tell you about the pain of a dying soul. Pain is not intoxicating, pain is not liberating, pain is something that changes a person. Destructive emotions like anger are a slave to pain.

You tend to do things that have no justification, two faces psycho. Religion for many is a tool of justification for their insecurities; just leave it to God right??!! For others it’s a quest to find a better life and for the rest, well it’s attending 5 mins of prayers out of the whole are, wrap your hand around your girlfriends neck and yes duties fulfilled. For many life is a series of heartaches, the pain they go through will reduce them to shambles, make them compromise every step of their lives and settle for the second best always.

Love, Greatness the will to be something more means nothing to others. The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly. A small extract from a Sufi writer:

“This pain comes from the memory of when we were together with God, what the Sufis call "the sweetness that was before honey or bee." At special moments in our life we can be given a taste of this union, a taste of divine remembrance. It is so unbelievably sweet and intoxicating. And it awakens the knowing, latent in the soul, of being together with God. This is what ignites the longing, the fire within the heart that begins to burn as a heartache.”

Its how you take pain, in the madness of rage from pain, the problems it brings there is this serene feeling where I get all my answers, the magnitude of my mistakes, and the vision I possess.

Sunshine...

It’s one of those days again when things become highly unmanageable. The worst part about it all is that everyone has an opinion. And very stupid ones at that. I set out to solve the issues of the world but there are basic dents in my armor that I can’t fix. In the midst of despair and pain I reconnected with a higher power today out of sheer freewill. It felt good and comforting but only for a while before you realize you’re human again. It’s hard to hurt people you adore the most, it’s something that I can never forgive myself for, but life’s not a popularity game it’s more meaningful than that.

Philosophy isn’t for everyone; it’s not about intelligence it’s about what you have already. The poor is always asking for money, the sick always for better health and the elite for peace of mind. Spirituality is possible for those who have time, for those who don’t have to worry about food or money, for those who don’t have to wash their own blood drenched clothes and who have the internet: p… be the reason to make someone smile; be the person people can depend on... eternity will be rocking..

Mind over matter? Bullshit

Pain is real; pain is a part of life, having a headache? And you think it’s the end of the world? Think again of those people fighting their last battles with life, (although if you pretend you have cancer you may get a party) but in general it’s pretty sucky. 1:10 am 9th April 2011, hungry thirsty and a few other emotions I can’t disclose, waiting for the sun to shine one last time.

“Its not light at the end of the tunnel that matters it’s the light within” R.I.P

Dirty Needles... Day 1

I don’t really know what the deal is with people and their sense to belong to a group or the need of intimacy. When being solitary is one of the true blessings you may have ... as time passes I realize the individuals I lose in life only make me stronger. So what if individuals are driven by stupidity and misplaced compassion, and I shouldn’t be bothered by it, but it does bother me. You keep people in such high regard, assign them such an important place in your, just to be tethered into grains of sand that will be lost forever.

An easy way out of this muck is to tell the truth and live on sympathy of the world for the rest of my life, but I choose otherwise. I walk the path that is lonesome and well quite unrewarding. These feelings sometimes I can’t decipher, why do I have them? Are they legitimate or not? Should I break away now or wait for nature to take its course. Why is it that life has bought me at the same place I ran away form so long.

I wish life was easy as popping pills, or pleasing the world my throwing a simple party, but I’ve come to realize it takes a special kind of coward to end your own misery by taking a pill, while you inflict the pain of the world on someone else. And most importantly you need friends to party, a luxury I will never have. But the road to a healthy body is a lonesome one. Life is really unpredictable, achieving all you dreamt of may not be possible, at least try to leave a mark...

The end is near, it feels exactly the same like it felt before, the pain is excruciating... like living in a loveless marriage.

Day 1

I’ve written about pain before, I’ve epitomized suffering without ever being in actual pain or state of suffering physically. When a normal person takes an aspirin, they probably are optimistic to feel relief and contentment from an ailment. But taking something that you know will cause nothing more than chronic pain it’s a little ticking off. People that say pain makes you tougher, have either survived pain or haven’t been through real pain at all.

Pain makes you weak; it makes your irrational and delusional. It makes your crave love and sympathy. It makes you want someone by your side to care for you; it makes you want all those things that you can’t have. We say we need to get married and be in relationships because man is a social animal? Your social, very social and you want to be in a relationship and you want everything else at your convince, you want to talk at your convince and meet as you desire, spare a thought for a guy whose having a tough time keeping up.

21 hours now since I’ve met a loved one, since a proper meal since sanity. There is work to be done but the pain cripples me. Emotions are high, threshold of pain declining; I can feel the surge of pain hitting every part of my existence. How do I get myself out of this rut? It’s along journey ahead how will I survive? I’ve forgotten how to pray, solitude despises me, and I hate it back. But it’s my only companion today and for the days to come. You purchase pain with all that joy can give, and die of nothing but a rage to live…. To be contd…

Pain

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. - Grey

What does one do when life thrives around drama and uncertainty? Our life, is just a mere dream, one from which we never wake up? Is there any significance of my life in a Universe of billions of stars that constantly ignore us? Is there any significance for life in a Universe whose dimensions and nature overcome our understanding? Hoping not to sound like a drama queen, I usually whine about the happenings in my life (on a daily basis) and even though I’m constantly told I ignore the fact, that I am the cause of these incidents. I guess the pain and mental trauma that I go through each and every time is now enjoyable. May be I thrive on drama, this all seems really superficial, and I’d like to believe that this is a phase “an interval of sorrow between two intervals of happiness”. The hunger for power is merely not being something or having a justified ego but emerging and effecting. Power and dominance is the essence of my life. Attaining power may include producing pleasure or inflicting pain (even on ourselves). Nietzsche , one of my favorite philosophers says, those who exert pain at an unconscious level are truly the one's deficient in power. This lack of power, and its subconscious realization, is very dangerous because it can easily be satisfied with a physical or verbal exertion. In consequence creating pain and inviting revenge. in my opinion, inflicting pain is much more of an efficient means of usurping and preserving power rather than the imprint of compassion, but those that choose pain are truly internally weak - having low self-esteem. In the end, one has to choose whether to live his or her life either in a slow and assured temperament, or with sudden and dangerous methods of increasing and fulfilling the need for power.

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional (a Tibetan monk). There is rarely such thing as unavoidable suffering. Suffering is caused by thoughts and thoughts can change. Practice is more difficult than theory because it's a reality that an ideal environment produces ideal thoughts. What does not kill me only makes me stronger? Probably, but scar you for life in the process. I believe that the pain of existence is something that should be embraced on aesthetic grounds. Pain for me may be a means to becoming stronger and more powerful, and that the more I tried to conquer pain, the more I am fulfilling the central driving force of all life, which is Power. Linking power and pain may not make so much sense now, pain is more than just physical pain, and pain is a state in which you realize your limits.